Grief
Journey Q & A, Pt. II
In Honor and Loving
Memory of Our Children
Editor's Intro:
Welcome to Part II of our Grief Jouney Q & A. The content here is generated from an online discussion and support group for bereaved parents. The creator of this Grief Journey Q & A is Stephanie Marrotek who posts questions once a day or couple times a week and invites all members of the discussion group to post answers. In addition to answering on the group, some members have elected to share their insights in a more public way through this column. Our hope is that you will find some spark of inspiration or comfort or help here. These words are not offered as prescription for the ways we "should" handle grief. These are just insights into how others are managing day by day after the death of a child.
The Q & A
Question 1: Have you ever had someone tell you that their grief is WORSE? Why did they think that?
Answers:
Yes, I had a facilitator
at a grief support group
tell me that everyone else's
grief was much worse then
mine, because my loss wasn't
a real loss in that I never
got to 'know' my Son since
he was stillborn. Also,
a bereaved Mom told me once
that her pain was worse,
because she had more time
with her child then I did.
People are so clueless sometimes
and just don't understand.
If only they could spend
a day in my shoes and then
tell me if another's grief
is worse from the other...would
they still feel the same
way, I wonder. -Katie I.
Yes, the last town we lived in, we were at a church pot luck and I was talking to this lady who I had learned had had a daughter die. I knew no details, but I figured that loss is loss and that maybe we could be supportive to each other. WRONG I was! Her daughter was 5 and had drowned in their backyard stream.....she told me that my child was not a child and my grief was not real, because I hadn't lived with her for 5 years.....That her daughter was real and live so her grief was so much more. She basically told me that I didn't have a right to grieve because Amanda was stillborn and because she had held and nurtered her daughter for 5 years. I was so angry. So I wrote this poem:
Comparing Grief?
If your child died
when she was 5
and mine before her birth,
does that mean that your grief is more validated,
more deserved?
Your daughter lived and
breathed and laughed.
Mine never got that joy.
So are you more deserving
of sympathy and understanding, than I?
For if this were so,
then another, who's son
died at age 15,
her grief is more and she has more
right
to cry than you or I.
Do you see
how silly you are?
How uncomparable grief is?
So don't tell me that I have
less of a loss,
don't tell me yours is worse!
My grief is my own
and yours is your own.
Let it be
and don't compare
the value of a life.
By Stephanie Marottek
12/19/02Writing this poem helped me to feel a bit better, but I wish I would have had the courage to give it to that woman, so she wouldn't continue to hurt other grieving parents! But then if I would have had the courage, I probably would have made her even more bitter.....whatever.....she hurt me alot, and it wasn't right! -Stephanie
Yes.... my aunt who said losing her dog was worse because she got to spend time with her dog, and Nora didn't really exist... gosh I have so many telling me this... -Christine
Good heavens, YES!!! That seems to be one of the first dumb things that people feel compelled to "share"!
For example, when we lost our last baby, and my SIL gave birth to twins 10 weeks premature...(they are now 4 years old and are thriving!) Well, I was told that was soooo much worse than our baby who didn't matter, didn't have a soul (though my SIL's DOG did!), chose to go back to heaven, ETC!!!!
I always hear that it is WORSE to have an older child die...and I cannot judge that, for gratefully we have not experienced that...
It's a sore subject of silent grief, silent sorrow (like to book by Perry-Lynn Moffit), "grief denied" for families who have suffered the loss of a baby....will it ever change??? -Martha
I wasn't told that in those
words but I went to a local
agency that says it's purpose
is to offer grief support
to bereaved parents. They
conduct and interview before
you can attend their groups.
After
telling the woman who interviewed
me about Raeyn's stillbirth
she told me, "we support
people who have actually
lost a child." I was
SOOOOOOO angry. I took out
my picture of Raeyn and
showed her my perfectly
formed beautiful little
girl and explained to her
that I was in labor for
26 hours with her. I loved
her, I gave birth to her
and she WAS and will always
be my child. She offered
no apology or
anything...she sent me on
my way.
I did follow up with the
center director and was
told that the center is
run by volunteers and that
was the excuse. I was offered
the chance to participate
in their groups but to this
day, I am angered
by that place. How dare
they even suggest that my
grief or my child for that
matter is any different.
-Keny
Question 2: Lately I feel like I am on an emotional roller-coaster... What do you do to bring peace to your hearts, even momentarily?
Answers:
I allow myself to take a
time out. I try meditation,
write in my journal or just
close my eyes and lay back
and relax all my muscles
and clear my mind. Also
calling a friend that will
listen and understands helps
me find some peace. If the
weather is nice, and I have
some free time, I'll take
a drive to the Garden of
Angels for some peace. -Katie
I.
I was given a teddy bear at the hospital that wears the first outfit that we bought for Raeyn. I'll lie in bed with it, cry if I need to and remind myself that she was "too beautiful for Earth" and that I will see her again. ~Keny, Raeyn's Mommy
I write my poetry, journal, escape to the net to you all, or just lock my self into the bathroom and take a shower and just cry. Walking in the mountains also helps. I make cards with stamps and do crafts. That all helps to calm me! -Stephanie
Eat chocolate. Well, okay, that's the smart-alekie answer. Seriously, sometimes getting outside helps, walk on the pier at low tide, check out the starfish and jelly fish and anemone -- this whole underwater world that is totally oblivious to my personal roller-coaster. Sometimes that gives me a bigger perspective and some peace. If I could ever get back to truly doing good self-care, I know that doing yoga or bellydancing makes me feel very in harmony. But I can't motivate to do those things most of the time, soo... Sometimes watching movies -- but I am selective about it! DVDs like old Hepburn/Tracy films or the Philadelphia Story with Hepburn/Grant -- or Return to Me with Minnie Driver -- or Monsoon Wedding (this is an amazing one -- when the family dances and sings as they henna the bride!!! what I wouldn't give to dance in a group like that!!) -K.-
I try and take a long walk and soak up the sunshine... it feels like its Nora's love just surrounding me with peace. I write in the journal or just go outside and stare at the clouds. -Christine
Journaling helps my heart to heal, just to release it all is a relief! I return to my favorite "grief books", a walk among the flowers, a trip to church, just quiet time... -Martha
Question
3: Right after we
lost our child... our bodies
went into a form of shock
that caused thinking clearly
to be slowed down and perhaps
not done at all until a
few months afterward. Can
you think of anything that
happened in your period
of shock, that you wish
that you could do over,
now that you are thinking
more clearly and are a bit
more in control?
Answers:
I wish I would have dressed
her myself. I was so shocked
seeing her, I expected a
pink healthy chubby looking
baby, just sleeping, and
seeing her, kinda dark and
skinny rocked my world.....When
they placed her in my arms,
I truely thought that I
was holding a chineese baby,
her skin was darker and
her eyes were just little
slits! I then realized that
this was the effects of
her being dead inside my
womb for a week before delivery.....I
do wish I would have had
the courage to dress her
myself. I was so scared
that I would break her,
or her arms would come off
or something. The Dr. had
told us before she was delivered
that she may come out of
me, in pieces! Thank God
she didn't, she was whole,
but I was very afraid of
that! But I wish I would
have asked a nurse to help
me dress her.
-Stephanie M.
http://www.geocities.com/marottek_s
Ouch, this is a sore one! The one thing that I would do after learning about the death of my baby, is to request, no...DEMAND that I have to opportunity to cremate the remains of our dearly beloved babies, no matter WHAT anyone else said! This would allow me a memorial place if we so desired...and I do so yearn for that now. I know so much more now, and thankfully that has helped others in our Share group...but it's too late for us. Being further down the road, enables me to be more of an advocate for bereaved parents, even though no one was there for us. Thanks for letting me get that out...phew! It STILL hurts!!! -Martha
I wish that I did the planning
of Charles' funeral a little
differently. I wish I had
asked more questions and
had the clear mind to do
so. I wish that I had known
it would be okay not to
buy an urn through the funeral
home. It was so costly,
and I felt pressured by
them to choose one and buy
it during the
planning of his final arrangements.
I wish I had the clear thoughts to find the right words to talk to my Mom instead of hardly talking at all during such a difficult first few weeks and months.
I wish I didn't pressure myself to return to school for final exams the week after my loss just to flunk out of my class that I had an 'A' in up until I took the test. I wish I took more time off from work to grieve privately.
I wish I had remembered
my car accident while I
was being interrogated rather
then spacing it out and
not realizing that must
have been the cause of the
placental abruption until
a few days after my loss.
I wish I had the right frame
of mind to tell the cops
to talk to me rather then
at me, when they have
some training in compassion.
I wish I had the clear mind to demand to see my Son and hold him in the hospital and demand that I get his foot/hand prints.
I wish I had the clear
mind to tell the doctor
that assisted me after I
gave birth to my stillborn
Son to f*k off, after he
told me to return to his
office in a month for a
post partem check up and
to be sterilized so this
sort of thing doesn't happen
again. I wish I had the
clear thoughts to tell him
to f*k
off, when he told me that
he had to leave to deliver
twins to a Mom that wants
her children, so he'll try
and come check on me later
if he has the time.
I can go on and on, but then I'd have to write a book on all that went wrong during the early stages of my loss.
Sincerely,
Katie I.
This question is so hard for me, I was not there right after she died, nor two weeks after...and then my physical recovery and amount of meds just made everything crazy. If I would have had a choice at anything..... it would have to be the funeral. I was not coherent and on too many meds when the funeral was planned. I was in ICU when they started, Barry and the funeral director... so it was a nothing funeral, nothing special, no music, poems or anything. I was lucky I got to see it at all so I didn't really think about it, until I met so many and learned of their beautiful funerals for their angels. Sometimes I feel guilty, like I should have been able to be there to plan, like Nora got cheated and didn't have a very nice funeral. It was such a quiet funeral with hardly anyone there...I don't know... still so much guilt over this one. -Christine
OMG, there is sooooooo
much I would change. I would
have had someone show us
Losing Layla in the hospital
to explain our rights. Or
I would somehow magically
have known my rights. I
would have demanded they
drive back to the funeral
home and get my son for
me. I would have demanded
they let my have him for
the whole 4 days I was in
the hospital. I would have
demanded they let us take
him home. I would have demanded
that we take him to the
funeral home. I would have
demanded that he be in-arms,
not in that fucking casket,
for the service. I would
have shoved his beautiful
little body into the arms
of those who now forget
that he was real so that
their arms would be heavy
with his death and they'd
have a sensory memory of
that. I don't know. Then
I have other days when I
think, "It was what
it was." And I just
let it go at that. Woulda,
coulda, shoulda never served
anyone, so why
do I even to think about
it? I don't know. -K.-
What would I do differently? Better question -- what would I do the same?
I wouldn't let my mom and sister pack up all my tiny little girl clothes, my bassinet and my maternity clothes, my baby girl announcements and all the boys things I had deemed "okay" for my little girl.
I wouldn't let my mom and mom-in-law plan the whole funeral and pick out Lily's casket and take her clothes to the funeral home and pick out the flowers and everything else they did.
I would undress her and look at every tiny inch of her body. I would sing to her and tell her about her brothers and her family.
I would have told anyone who said anything I didn't agree with to go to hell.
-Melanie
Question 4: Do you have a set pattern of grieving in your mind? What is it? Have you been able to stick to it?
Answers:
HaHaHa! This question is
hilarious because I remember
the "stages" pamphlet
they gave us at the hospital
and I remember thinking,
even then, that I was already
off-the-map of the "stages"
-- so not only couldn't
I give birth correctly,
but geeeeeeeezus, I couldn't
even grieve properly! I
hate that bull. I hate that
they still teach it as a
way to trying to get 20-something
college kids to understand
shit that they will never
understand. I hate that
they still handout stuff
like that to bereaved people.
I HATE that the woman who
created the gawd-damned
"stages" has had
to defend herself to the
teeth because the FACT is
that she created those stages
for the person who was actually
going to die!!!! The reason
the last stage was "closure"
was because the person would
be DEAD!!! Those stages
were not written for the
bereaved who are left behind,
but does anyone listen to
the woman now when she says
that? NO! Dr. Elisabeth
Kubler-Ross has had her
work mis-represented for
like 3 decades + now --
and the people suffering
from the mis-representation?
US -- bereaved people who
are left behind. It sucks.
Anyway, in the end, NO WAY,
there is no pattern, I don't
follow anything but my own
damn drum, and everyone
can just deal with that
in their own way -- including
those who think I "should
be over it by now"!!
-K.-
Yes, when we first lost Amanda, our pastor gave us a pamphlet entitled The Three Stages of Grief. And it says stage 1 is Surprise and Shock: generally lasts up to the funeral. Stage 2 The extended period of struggle: can last for a long time. And Stage 3: Beginning to stabilize or reconstruction. And I thought to myself, that is PRETTY VAGUE! So I searched for more detailed answers. Another pastor told me there are 5 stages to grieving 1) Denial 2) Anger 3) Blaming 4) Bargaining 5) Acceptance. I was quick to point out to him, that there cannot be a set pattern for grieving, because we are all so individual and unique. For if I were to follow this pattern, I would STILL be stuck on #2, however, I have been thru all the others, in various orders, sometimes several times.
I do not think that there IS a set pattern for Grief. In my opinion, everyone grieves differently and in their own ways....It angers me that people try to put a title on the "stage" I am at, or give me a time table. There is no time table in grief.
So my opinion on that has changed dramatically since our loss, and during the time following. It may even change again. I am a woman, therefore I reserve the right to change my opinion every day if I so choose!
-Stephanie
Those stupid, stupid stages.
Someone said to me, you really need to get past the depression and anger, it's not healthy to stay in one stage too long.
I am thinking -- Oh great, so I move through ALL of the depression and anger and I get to do what, exactly? Start bargaining? Accept that Lily's never coming back? Move on with my life and get pregnant again and worry every second that the same thing will happen?
I say, sorry, i don't think it's healthy to listen to you too long -Melanie
This is a difficult question. I don't think there's such a thing as a set pattern. Everyone deals with their grief differently. Some days are better then others. I have my good days with my bad moments and my bad days with my good moments. I just let it flow and allow myself to feel however and whatever I feel at the moment as it comes. I cry, I vent, I smile I feel what I need and want to feel. Charles will forever be a part of me and so will my grief. -Katie I.
Ha!!! "Set pattern
of grieving"....yes,
I used to feel that way,
ten years ago when this
whole new way of living/dying
began. All I had wanted
was "for it to be over"
and "to feel better"....and
I expected
it immediately!!! If not
yesterday! And then I began
to learn...from myself...and
others around me, but mostly
from myself...to give into
the grief, to allow it to
penetrate ever cell of my
body...and then some light
came. But that did not happen
for many months. Sadly to
say, with each subsequent
loss, I did learn more...my
babies have taught me a
lot. I remember my husband
saying at one point..."I'll
give you 18 months"...meaning,
that it often took me that
long to begin to integrate
the loss into the fiber
of my motherhood, wifefood,
familyhood. Not that after
those 18 months would I
be "ok", but by
then, a lot of the griefwork
had begun to take seed.
He's very patient, that
man! And now he is patient
and giving to the utmost
in his support of the bereavment
outreach. Heaven touched
earth when I met him.. .-Martha
Question
5: Who were you the
most angry at, when you
learned your baby had died?
Answers:
God... just God. I had prayed
the entire pregnancy, then
when they couldn't find
the heartbeat I began pleading
and screaming to God very
loudly.... and then they
told me she died. I felt
God betrayed
me. I know now differently
and am working very hard
but I was mad at God first.
-Christine
-- Myself.
-Melanie
First myself, then the medical staff at the hospital and ob/gyn practice. -N.
I was angry at God. I was angry that He could allow this to happen to us, good people, when there are so many out there who do not deserve their children and they pop them out like nothing. I was angry that He would take away the daughter that I so desperately wanted. I think I am STILL angry at God. -Stephanie
Initially, I wasn't angry
at all, but in a state of
shock. I didn't even know
I was pregnant. When reality
set that I wasn't just having
a nightmare, I was most
angry at myself and at God.
Angry at myself for not
knowing. And angry with
God for not saving my Son
from death. -Katie I., Mommy
to Charles
Well I was angery at myself and wondering why my body has to do this.. And I had alot of WHYS to ask God.. there are so many of us who want them but can't and there are those who don't want them and get them...UGH!!! ~Sheila~
Hmmm...I was most angry
at the God/dess coz I know
the MOMENT She took him
that night before -- I freaking
felt it happen, I swear!
I still have issues with
Her. Then I was really ticked
at my body for being so
stupid and incapable. I
mean there have been life-long
issues with the old body
since the days of being
like 11 years old and my
grandmother starting to
tell me that my hips were
too fat in one breath, while
doing the "eat, eat,
I slaved all day cooking"
routine. So to then have
the old bod fail with my
child -- well, you know,
that was just that. The
bod was officially on the
"crap list" and
the hatred set in strong.
There are parts I've come
to terms with about the
bod. But the secondary stuff,
PCOS, etc. well, I just
mostly continue hating bod
for it all. Of course if
you believe in anything
wholistic or energetic,
then the "hate"
energy is not helping me
heal at all --- which I
then feel guilty about,
etc etc, adnauseum :) -K.-
ANGRY....hmmmm? Don't like that angry phase...denial at its hilt, isn't that? :) Anger scared me within my grief. Guess for starters, with each loss, I just couldn't believe that my body could fail again..so angry at myself. Then once I got really mad enough, I screamed sooooo loud up in my room into my closet...at God! And then I was afraid...and thought, how can I be mad at God, He's my best friend...yet who understood me better than He who lost His only Son? From there came anger at my in-law family...and that was a good escape...for it was waranted! Anger....hmmm...still uncomfortable with it! Ugh! -Martha
Question 6: Since we were talking about anger..... I get really angry when...
Answers:
I get really angry when...
Others do not even try to
understand the depth of
pain of loss....
Others belittle my grief
saying theirs is worse.....
Others try to "cheer"
me, sometimes I just need
to cry....
I see teen moms pregnant
with a child they don't
want...
I see an overwhelmed mother
of 3 yelling at, slapping
or mistreating their babies....
and when I think of how
unfair it is that our baby
died and others get theirs....
Stephanie
I get really angry when...people tell me to shut up about my loss, it was two years ago, life goes on, people move on. Get on with it, stop loving the dead and love the living. Love your living children, not the dead ones. I get so very angry because that just shows their ignorance and their stupidity...Can you tell this just happened??? -Christine
Well, this is weird, but I get reallyl angry when I do totally work that totally is outside of the field of loss and healing and then people are not appreciative of it. I mean that the outreach I do in the loss and healing field is like "mission" work for me. I do it because I have this *driving* need to do it -- because I remember feeling utterly alone and isloated after my child -- because I know what it is like to laugh again and have people assume it means "I'm over it" whereas bereaved parents understand the complexity of my existance now. But it is not work that "makes the ends meet" as it were. So I do lots of other more "commercial" work that pays the bills, right? Well, in that world, I get totally and completely and utterly pissed off when people there don't appreciate my time, energy, and skills!!!!!!! I get mad because it's bad enough I have to waste any time, energy, and skills on the "commercial" world -- but to do so and have it unappreciated -- oooooooooooooh, I get sooooo mad. I just want to scream at them that there are four more dead babies every hour in the U.S. alone and they have selfishly and unappreciatively taken me away from doing outreach or writing or doing anything to help those bereaved families!!!!!!!!!!! But of course people in the "commercial" world don't get it. One, I don't think any of them really care until it happens to them. Two, I don't think they get how I feel I have to steal time from people in need to service the "commercial" world in order to keep a roof. Maybe I'm totally insane, but that's my latest anger experience.
I do also get really pissed
off when someone compares
stillbirth to abortion.
I realize there can be grief
for everyone. But I think
abortion is *choosing* to
end the pregnancy. Stillbirth
happened without the choice
of the parent. I just don't
understand how the two can
be compared. Though I do
think there is a grief response
for some who chose abortion,
too, and I do totally appreciate
programs like The Rachel
Project for them. But my
child was stillborn -- I
did NOT choose his death.
It just isn't the
same
.-K-
I get really angry when...Others complain about spending time with their children and take the family they have with them for granted. I get angry when I can't share Charles as openly with others as I'd like. I get angry when I have to listen to clueless pregnant women talk about how wonderful it is to be pregnant and blah blah blah! -Katie, Charles Mommy
I get really angry when people just don't get it...grief and loss, that is...and I don't usually show it, but normally it comes out in other ways, such as grumpiness or shortness with my immediate family...you know, those wondeful people we love the most, who get most of our garbage. I get really frustrated when after all these years, people just don't get it...grrr! -M.
Question 7: Do you feel you could have prevented your child from dying? Why and how?
Answers:
Yes, I feel that if I would
have went in to the dr.
earlier, when I first felt
no movement that they could
have done an emergency C-section
and saved her! -Stephanie
I don't know. Maybe if I knew why Nora died, I would have known how to prevent it. Maybe if I would have not gone to the hospital when I was in premature labor, I would have just had her, she would have been healthy.. she was fine, I was fine. Everything was perfect that day. I should have never let them stop me....maybe she would be here. -Christine
of course, i feel like i could have prevented Lily from dying. i feel like if i would have known that placental abruptions existed then i would have known that bleeding alot wasn't normal, if i would have known that bleeding wasn't normal then i would have called 911 and they would have done an emergency c-section and maybe revived her and she would be here right now. maybe if i wouldn't have worked really hard that day i wouldn't have had the placental abruption. if i would have listened to my doctor and not picked up jake or robbie the couple of weeks before maybe i wouldn't have had a placental abruption. maybe if i wouldn't have taken all the stuff for migraines and nauseau it wouldn't have happened. maybe if i wouldn't have taken a shower before i went to the hospital it wouldn't have happened. maybe, maybe, if, if, if. it's my fault. -Melanie
I often think about the 'what ifs,' but in reality I don't think there could have been anything to prevent Charles death, since it was because of a vehicle accident due to another's negligence. The only thing that could have prevented the placental abruption was to not drive at all that day. But I'm not psychic and had no idea that my life was going to change in an instant. It's amazing how much heartache can occur in a life time from a single moment that occurred in a split second. The day I was driving, I didn't even normally take that route. And just think...'what if'...I had gone the normal way...would he have lived? Would an accident have been prevented? I'll never know. -Katie I., Charles' Mommy
In the very beginning, I had all sorts of reasons why our babies died,for example, from climbing a mountain with a toddler on my back, to the cream I use for my excema, you name it, I took the guilt for it...but as I learned more about pregnancy loss, I came to realize that nothing could have prevented the death of our babies. As my husband always tried to explain to me: "Death is part of life". Don't get me wrong....that still doesn't "fit", but...it's probably true... -Martha
Question 8: Since the loss of my child, I never forget to...
Answers:
Hug and kiss and cherish
sooooo fiercly my living
child, Charlie. I am sooo
overprotective of him since
her death. -Stephanie
I never forget that life is yet but a moment and not to take things for granted... Because you never know how much time you have... ~Sheila~
Since the loss of my child, I never forget to...remember how quickly life can change in an instant, in a heartbeat, in the silence of an ultrasound screen. -Christine
Connect with women and men who have felt my pain because of their own loss. It is a slight thread back to humanity. It keeps me from hating the entire world. -Melanie
Recognize each person I
meet, especially their losses...no
matter what that loss may
be. I have learned that
"a person's pain is
their pain"... Since
I have learned how it feels
to be judged and
criticized, I think I have
also learned how to accept
more lovingly. I am more
aware of others....and can
cry with them in compassion...
-Martha
be thankful for the support
I've received. And I never
forget to give that same
compassionate support to
others that have suffered
a loss. I never forget to
acknowledge how short and
precious life is and how
fast it can change in an
instant. I never forget
to cherish every moment.
I never forget to say "I
love you" to Charles
each night as I lay down
to sleep. I know in my heart
he can hear me from the
heavens above. -Katie I.,
Charles' Mom
Question 8: I would like to have a dream about you, in my dream we would...
Answers:
walk hand in hand through
a mountain meadow of wildflowers,
picking them and running
and playing in the beauty.
Charlie and you would be
perfect angels and smile
alot......you would say
"mommy, I love you."
- Stephanie
In my dream we would be rocking and I would just be holding you and loving you, and looking into your eyes. I would watch you play with Corey and Abby all the baby games they yearn to play. We would spend the day together outside and just soak up the sunshine and the love, but mostly I would hold you and tell you I love you. -Christine
Hug, talk and spend every moment together for as long as possible. We would have a birthday party for you with your Grandma. And we'd take a trip to the zoo as I know in my heart you're a true animal lover like your Mama. In my dream we would always be together. -Katie I., Mom to Charles
Actually, I already had the dream a couple times. But I would like to have that dream every night if possible. I am riding on a bus to somewhere. Not stressed about public transport, not in a hurry, the bus is not too crowded but there are people filling the seats. The bus hits a little bump and my arm instinctively wraps about the little one who is standing on the seat next to me, looking out the window. I realize it is Kota, maybe three years old. He's giggling at the bump, taking in the outside world as it passes by the window. With my arm around him, I feel safe. His head is just by my head as he stands there and I can lean in to smell his woody, shampoo-ie, little kid head of hair. It is the best smell I have ever smelled in the whole world in my whole life. And everything is *right* -- everything is in that moment, nothing else matters, there is no past, no future, just *that* moment. And it is *right*.
I cannot have that dream enough times to satisfy myself in this g-dforsaken life while I'm living out my days without my kid. -K-
In my dream, we (that is
Timothy, Annemarie, Dorothy
and James) would be all
together...just a normal
day, (in the summer!) and
we'd just "be"
together, enjoying the real
physical presence... How
awesome it would be...to
see you where you really
"belong" in our
family, instead of the usual
mind-games..."oh...he/she'd
be *** years old"....
How heavenly the dream,
then again...I truly believe...
it WILL BE...in heaven...ahhhh...
-Martha
Question 8: Do you believe that our children are watching over us now? Why or why not?
Answers:
I really do believe that
our children in heaven watch
over us. I read a book once...(and
don't know the title, sorry...)
that said that our loved
ones are but a "veil
away", that is, that
they are so fully present,
yet we cannot see the depth
of that. I believe that
our children inspire me
to do, to be pro-active
in
support and understanding
of others. I really do pray
to them...to intercede for
their family on earth. My
friend has convinced me
that our little ones are
so powerful in their prayer
for our needs. No
proof, here, just what's
deep in my heart. It's what
makes my heart feel good
about them and their eternal
presence... -Martha
I totally and completely believe they are watching over us. I believe because there are too many things that happen that cannot be explained, the way a rainbow appears for no reason, not a drop of rain in the sky... and only when I am feeling sad , or the way a song comes on that makes us think of Nora everytime we are together as a family, lots of things that just show us our angels are thinking of us and always with us. -Christine
No, I do not think that they can see us, for Heaven is supposed to be a wonderful happy place, free from pain. And if they could see the pain that we go thru they would not be happy. Therefore I do NOT believe there are holes in the floor of heaven where they are watching over us. I do believe that we have gaurdian angels watching over us, but they are not our babies. Our children may send some of us "messages" in the form of a butterfly or a penny, now and then, but I do NOT believe that can see us! - Stephanie
Yes, I believe in angels and I believe my Son is one of them that watch over me. He leaves me 'signs' that he is around. I keep his teddy bears nicely arranged around the urn. Last night when I went to bed, his bears were all in place. This morning when I got up, I noticed his very first bear had been moved. It didn't fall over, because it was still setting straight up. It was about 6 inches away from the urn resting against some Peter Rabbit books. I moved the bear back to it's place, but 5 minutes later I came back into my room to make my bed. The bear had been moved again back to the books. I know it was Charles who moved it. I wonder if he wanted me to stay home and read him a Peter Rabbit tale? Especially since today was the most horrible day ever at work. I think Charles was letting me know he's here for me. It's a very comforting feeling. -Charles' Mom, Katie I.
I do believe that our angels are watching over us because there are simply too many things that are unexplained. It's like extra-terrestrial life -- in the movie Contact she asks her dad, "Do you think there is life out there?" and he answer, "I don't know, Sport. But if not, that's an awful waste of space." So I don't really know who or what or how we are watched over or what place Divine or Higher Power plays, but I can't ignore the "coincidences".
In Jo's Dear Cheyenne book
she talks about that incident
with Stevie Jo's hand, about
that deflatted ratty old
balloon, the connections
from the Kindness Projects.
Just can't ignore all that.
And in my own life, at all
the moments when I'm ready
to give up, cash it in,
lay down and die -- some
sign comes, something loud
and clear and hard to ignore
the bump on my head from
the bricks falling on it.
Since I had all those hypno-therapy
sessions and dreams of Kota
before he was conceived,
where he told me what his
work was to be, when he
let me in on the signs and
symbols that he used --
well,
when I see that work unfolding
now, when I see those symbols
in random places, I just
can't ignore all that.
And I have two friends who have had babies within the last year. Both of them told me they felt or saw or heard Dakota in the delivery room with them, helping them, helping their chilren -- one of whom was born blue, not breathing, with the cord around her neck. I can't ignore it.
Is it Kota? I don't know. But if it isn't, I'm hard pressed to make sense of any of these "coincidences". Maybe it's just random chaos. But what a waste of beauty then??!! ??? I don't know. -K.-
Question 8: How can a broken heart possibly still beat?
Answers:
Maybe it is that it does
still beat, but it beats
in pieces. It isn't one
heart anymore. It is several
pieces. And each piece beats
a little differently. The
rhythm is different now.
Some days, I'm perfectly
well adapted to the new
form of my heart. Other
days, this new form makes
it very difficult to breathe.
Because it isn't just one
beat, but several, I have
to listen harder -- there
isn't just one answer to
anything now, there are
several possible answers.
When I was just one beat, I had a naive confidence in that solo, singular beat. There was no question. It was just one.
But now with several pieces beating, the confidence is gone. With every beat, I am reminded of what the word "broken" really means.
And yet somehow the broken pieces made an expansion -- rivers of space between each piece where compassions, connections, and coincidences flow that I never even knew existed before the break.
And maybe the hard part
is when dealing with people
who don't know anything
but the singular beat. They
can't take their eyes off
the beat in order to see
the rivers. They are disturbed
by the different rhythm
and can't hear the music
of the different beats.
Instead they obsess with
trying to make
me make my pieces beat the
same again -- "like
before," they say.
I don't know. I guess it does still beat. It will just never, ever beat "like before" again. -K.-
It can't. It doesn't.
Our hearts stopped the moment our baby's did.
And for us, time stood still.
My heart isn't beating....it is just functioning enough to keep me alive, until God calls my name.
-Stephanie
A broken heart can still beat. There is hope for brighter days ahead after a loss as long as we keep an open mind to that faith and hope. When I lost my Son, my heart felt like it stopped. A dull pain and heaviness weighed hard on my heart. It was the physical side effects of a broken heart. In reaching out for help, my heart has slowly begun to mend over time. Time does not heal my wounds. And reaching out to others will not fully heal my broken heart. The mending of a broken heart from the loss of a loved one particularly one's own child is a life long process. There will always be bumps in the road of grief. I will always have to take some bad with the good days and visa versa. I feel the choices and paths I have taken to get support and honor Charles has helped me survive such heart ache of loss. -Katie I., Mom to Charles, Born Sleeping on 11/6/1999
In my opininion (and boy is it an angry one) -- our broken hearts still beat because it is just one more way our body can completely betray us. First, our bodies betray us by letting our children die (at least in some of our cases) and then it betrays us by making us stay alive when we want to die. I think if our hearts actually stopped when they were broken that our world would be minus a lot of people. Me included.
-Melanie
We'll have more Q & A in September...
About
the Kota Discussion Group
This is a discussion and
support group held online
thru the free services of
Yahoo Groups. Stephanie
Marrotek is the host of
the Grief Journey Q &
A. The full group is moderated
by the staff of KotaPress.
The answers given in this
Q & A were offered by
the generous hearts of the
members of our online group.
We cannot thank you enough
for your candor and honesty.
