By Joanne Caccitore, MISS Founder

Dear Cheyenne,

I am writing this at nearly midnight. Lately, I have been very sad. The deaths continue, and I am helpless to stop it.  All I can do I cry with the heartbroken families and share their pain.  Tonight, I took Cameron, Stevie Jo, and Joshua to a Camp Paz Christmas Party.  Camp Paz is the wonderful retreat they attended during the summer for bereaved children.  It was at a church quite a distance from our home, but they really wanted to go and revisit the friends they made at camp.

The evening was a wonderful time to reflect.  I was an “attendee” this time, instead of my usual “coordinator” role.  Thus, I had an opportunity to experience the celebration of remembrance.  We sang songs and viewed a slide presentation of camp. During the candle lighting, I broke down, Chey.  I was so emotional that I had to leave the auditorium and walk to the back of the room.  Tears were pouring down my face, mascara blinding my eyes.   Thoughts of, “Why do I keep doing this?” and “I cannot do this anymore, I’m not strong enough,” haunted me. I asked God for a sign- for strength to continue this work. Your big sister, Stevie Jo came to the back of the room to check on me.

“Are you okay, Mommy?” she asked.  “Yes, Sweetie,” I said, “I am just missing your baby sister.”

Knowing I just needed some time alone, she went back to her seat.  With my head down and my heart heavy, I agonized over your death.  I wondered why such horrible things happened to such good parents. I struggled because it had been so long since I’d felt your presence close to me. I have been so busy lately that I haven’t made time for solitude…to remember you and our experience.

When I lifted my head to wipe my eyes, a miracle occurred.  There was a large display shelf with locking glass handing on the back wall of the auditorium.  On the shelf was a large wooden sign:

Cheyenne 4? I couldn’t believe my eyes!  Not just your name, but you are my fourth child too!  I began to laugh hysterically.  It was such a flamboyant sign, an incredulous gift!  So there I was, in all my insanity- laughing, crying- trying to make myself believe what I was seeing with my own eyes!

When the ceremony ended, I stood frozen in my place, staring at the sign. I showed everyone who passed the sign; certainly they would never really understand the magnanimity of it all.  But still, I had to share it. I asked several people from the church if they knew how the sign got there, or what it was used for, but no one knew. It didn’t really matter. I was there at that very moment for a reason. It was a gift from you and from God. Thank you.

So much has happened since your death, Cheyenne.  Your little life, ever so brief, and the lives of so many other children who have died are touching millions of people.  As all our mothers of MISS are proud of their children, I too, am so proud of you.

The pain of never seeing you grow into a beautiful young girl, never seeing your smile, or hearing your voice, or feeling you wraps your arms around my neck…or hearing you call me mommy- that pain is always there. But I hold you in my heart, Cheyenne. Your love and your gifts are far bigger than the pain now.

Thank you, Father, for the gift of this child. Though I didn’t have enough time to be her mother here on earth, I hope that she realizes how much she is loved, and that love I have for her will continue as long as I have breath. For as long as I live, I am the mother of five children- four who walk and one who soars.

Author Biography

Joanne Cacciatore is the founder of the MISS Foundation and the author of the book Dear Cheyenne. For more information or to contact Joanne, please see the MISS site at www.missfoundation.org or email her.
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