Self Cutting > Self-Cutting During Grief
Compiled by Shelley Moss
and Kara L.C. Jones
Notice: If you or someone you love has self-cut and is in need of medical or mental health help, you can call your local hospital and ask them to refer you to someone who is an expert in self-injury. All information provided here at KotaPress is for informational purposes only and should not replace the seeking of professional or medical support!
Introduction to Self-Cutting During Grief
by Kara Jones
Over the course of two months, three different bereaved parents came to my attention who were all self-cutting. The first had dropped something made of glass accidentally, but in cleaning up the broken pieces, she had cut herself and found a sense of release in the cut. She began self-cutting after that on purpose. The second threw something made of glass and again in picking up the pieces, either accidentally or purposely cut herself with one of the pieces. Again the sense of release it brought led her to do it again later intentionally. The third was brought to my attention via a care-giver who told me that a bereaved dad had punched out the windsheild of his car on purpose, but I didn't have the chance to talk to that dad directly.
My reactions were three-fold:
1) In a way, I could understand why this physical manifestation of pain would bring a sense of release to all the pent-up chaos that happens inside, emotionally, after the death of a child -- chaos that often gets silenced after the funeral service is over and everyone goes home. And with at least one of these self-cutters, I know that the family & friends involved were very much of the "get over it" and "stop talking about it" kind of (non)support. So that bereaved parent was experiencing suppressed grief & emotions, not just in a self-imposed, but also reinforced from the people around them.
2) I was very scared for each of them. I know that expression of grief and the chaos it brings is inevitable for everyone. But in my heart I hope and pray that people find safe ways to express whatever comes up for them. And when I learn of people who are expressing via self-harm, I worry. I know that self-cutting is often a non-suicidal self-harm, but I know that depressions can spiral quickly, and suicide is also self-harm. My heart leaps for each of them, as I care about all bereaved parents in a deep, self-identified way. I want them to have the best self-care possible during their expressions of grief. I ache to know that they are each in situations where they feel the need to self-harm in order to express something.
3) I felt like a complete idiot because I had no resources, information, nor referals on hand to offer to these families. So I began asking questions, reading articles, searching websites. I connected with Shelley Moss who I knew had done some writing about self-cutting during the teenage years. I asked Shelley if she might know of resources for adults who are self-cutting, and Shelley was generous enough to write the following article for us in response. (In addition, Russell Friedman of Grief.net responded to my request for information and resources -- please also see his article in this section, titled "Unresolved Grief - Self-Mutilation - The Connection.)
If you or someone you love is self-cutting, I hope you will find something here to help -- a lead to finding the support you need to get self-care and safe expression for everyone involved. If you are a care giver or support group facilitator, I hope this offers resource information to you that I didn't previously have at my finger tips. And if any of you know of other resources we might offer, please let me know (editor@kotapress.com) as I'm always willing to run another article about this.
Self Cutting During Grief: Tears of Red
By Shelley L. Moss
I have written a great deal about teen cutters and self-injury. There are finally many websites dealing with this troubling issue due to awareness raising works by writers like myself and thanks to all those parents who vowed, not only to understand, but to pass along what they knew. And websites on teen cutting still continue growing! When I first began writing about teen cutters 7 years ago, help and support was difficult to find on and off the Internet. Once again the world dealt with this issue by turning its backs and closing the closet door, the door which holds back way too many skeletons already. When an issue such as this is dropped in my lap, there is no turning back or closing doors, instead I face the "evil" and open the doors.
Just recently I was asked if I had read or knew of any websites dealing with adult cutters. Personally not knowing anything about adult cutters, I set out to do some research. Not bragging, but I am excellent when it comes to research, and yet it took days to find any information on adults who cut. So this where my interest on adult cutting grew. I would like to share the information I found with those who may be seeking answers, while providing as many resources as possible.
So what is self-injury, cutting? What most people do not know is that self-injury is a disease, a disease in which a person purposely damages his or her body. Self-injury is an acute psychological expression, an act done to one's self, with the intention of helping one's self to express feelings. The cutters don't want to die, they just need to feel, to express, to cry through their very own blood. Self-mutilation is also sometimes an associate feature of other diseases such as, but not limited to, Multiple Personality Disorder, Eating Disorders, sexual abuse and even Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, and severe depression.
1.9 million Americans are cutters. While the vast majority are women between the ages of 13-38, some are men, and ages vary. This disease can affect anyone, regardless of gender, age, race, economic status. Often, some carry on successful careers while others love to stay home to raise their families, school teachers to waitresses. Often people say that self-injury helps them to release unbearable tension, which arises from anxiety, grief, anger and loss. Many people deal with their pain differently by turning to drinking, smoking, drugs or even through crime. Some even do all of these things. They come to feel like lost souls wondering in the dark.
Self-cutters are screaming from the inside out for help, support and understanding. The mother down the road gave birth to her first child last year, and that child was stillborn. Somewhere in a city a woman is being raped, violated and left naked in an alley. Out in the country a wife dreads her husband's arrival, for he will beat her and call her filthy names, just like always. There's this teen who lives mostly alone due to the fact the both his parents need to work full time. But he sure wishes they were around when all those kids pick and torment at him after school on his way home. To all of the above, picking up a knife or blade or piece of broken glass seems like a viable option, maybe even an exciting option. The knife is their friend and as they cut, each trickle of blood is a tear un-seen or un-heard.
There are people who have lost babies, been raped, are going through spousal abuse, job stress and or the loss of a job -- any and all of these things may leave them feeling unworthy. Some people can pick themselves back up after the world has knocked them down, and then turn back around for even more. But for those who cannot, they turn inward and find ways to deal with their pain, ways like cutting.
Some keep journals using words to release their feelings. But when the pain level is high, they turn to cutting. They may let each droplet of blood fall onto the journal page. They are using their blood to show tears they they are unable to shed. The pain of the heart is so deep that, when cutting, people do not feel the razor going through their skin. Where others might call a friend to share pain and emotions, the cutter finds release in the trickle of their own blood. Self-cutters hold just about everything on the inside, which seems to be a place they can call their own when feeling pain and loss.
There are many situations where people find cutting for the expression of pain:
1) A young new housewife rushes to get dinner just right. Table set perfect by candlelight. He comes in complaining already about his job and his long hard day, while she now knows that this will be one of those beating nights. Battered and bruised, she makes it to the restroom and finds his razor and without hesitation she begins thrashing her thighs while picturing it being the man whom she once loved. As each red drop falls, she thinks and probably feels her pain lessen or release.
2) A year ago, a mother gave birth to a stillborn child. In the first month after the child's birth/death, the mother and father had lots of people stopping in to see how they were doing. But when the child's first birthday arrived and the mother wanted to have a memorial ceremony, people began telling her it was time to "get over this thing." When Christmas came and she wanted to hang a stocking in memory of her dead child, her family began to tell her she was acting crazy and needed to let go of "this". The more they stifled her expressions of grief, the angrier she got. But she did not know how to express the anger. She wondered if maybe they were right and she was crazy. She thought she would burst with all the pain she had at being a mother with no physical child to show for her parenthood. One night as she did dishes, she accidentally broke a dish. As she picked up the pieces, a shard pierced her skin. She wrapped her hand tighter into the shard and watched the blood flow. Every pent-up, intangible emotion of anger, grief, loss, and aching love was pouring out through her skin, in the form of her own blood.
3) Knowing the importance of being home on time made her pick up her pace. Once inside she heard her father calling for her just like any other day, full of demands since her mother became ill. Once in front of him, her father did nothing but complain, and her anger continued to grow as she held in her tears. After dinner, she quickly rushed to her mother's room. Pale faced and barely able to speak, the mother manages to whisper to her lovely daughter, telling her that she must run away before her father hurts her anymore. The mother's hand reached out holding a tiny key the daughter took to a small battered chest, which much to her surprise, contained hundreds of dollars, if not more. Quickly packing her things, she kissed her mother goodbye and began a new journey where no one would ever hit her again. And hopefully to a place where she could find ways to heal the old harmful relationships, not feel the need to cut herself anymore.
While this last story is full of hope for the young girl cutter, not everyone has a hidden box to turn to *and* there is no magic key to fix everything instantly-- but there are places and people who do care. Look at your scars for a moment and think about what they will mean in the future when you talk to your grandkids, to your future husband or wife about them. Scars will remain after you find help, they will be permanent reminders. It must be exhausting to worry about what to wear all the time so that none of your scars are seen. Being a cutter may often feel sad and lonely, but if you're willing to reach out, the help is there. You can stop cutting before the cutting stops you!
Alternatives to Self-injurous Behaviors
Try something else:
- ASK FOR HELP - **If the first person you ask doesn't understand or doesn't seem to be helping you, then try asking another person for help!!**
- If the self-cutting has come up as a result of another situation, get help for that situation. ie, if you are in a domestic violence situation, get domestic violence intervention help. OR if you are feeling unable to express the grief over a loss in your life, get help for finding ways to deal with that grief.
- Ask yourself inside, what YOU need
- Connect with others around you.
- Call a therapist or friend.
- Call a hotline or support group
- Use washable red markers to "cut" on your skin
- Place your hands in freezing cold water
- Listen to music/relaxation tapes
- Make a mourning wreath (start with black flowers and replace with colored flowers)
- Repetitive reality checking (It's April 1997, and I'm going to be ok)
- Negotiate with yourself
- Get to know others
- Recognize and acknowledge the choices you have NOW
- Offer options
- Carry tokens to remind you of peaceful comforting things/people
- Create and use mental safe places (beach, cabin in the woods, peaceful mountain)
- Get out on your own, get away from the stress
- Help someone around you (reach out on a bb, newsgroup, phone list etc.)
- Pay attention to the changes needed to make you feel safe
- Count yourself down (10...9...8...7...)
- Take a different perspective (different vantage point)
- "I'm aware" Repeat 5 things you see, smell, touch, taste in your present surroundings to help ground you in the present
- Pay attention to your breathing (breath slowly, in through your nose and out through your mouth)
- Pay attention to the rhythmic motions of your body (walking, stretching, etc.)
- Move to music
- Make affirmation tapes inside you that are good, kind, gentle (Sometimes you can do this by writing down the negative thoughts and then physically re-writing them into positive messages)
- Journal
- Touch Something familiar/safe
- Draw
- Put your feet firmly on the floor
- Make something (craft, needlework, etc.)
- Accept a gift from a friend
- Meditate
- Make a phone list of people you can call for support. Allow yourself to use it.
- Learn HALT signals (hungry, angry, lonely, and tired)
- Identify what is causing you pain
- Accept where you are in the process. Beating yourself up, only makes it worse.
- Do something fun, something safe that gives you pleasure.
- Take a break from mental processing
- Take a SAFE risk (like taking a low ropes or rock climbing class)
- Tear up paper (old phonebooks, newspapers, etc.)
- Honor your present anger
- Throw ice cubes at the bathtub wall, at a tree, etc.
- Give yourself permission to.... (Keep it safe)
- Lose the "should-could-have to" words. Try... "What if"
- Choose your way of thinking, try to resist following old thinking patterns
- Put memories in air tight containers with air tight lids
- Notice black and white thinking (ALL OR NOTHING THINKING)
- Notice "choices" versus "dilemmas"
- Keep in touch with others who are fighting the same fight
- Check in with yourself and others frequently (try not to isolate)
- Make yourself as comfortable as possible (Without using food)
- Take a bath or a shower
- Color in coloring books
- Hold a stuffed animal
- Write a poem
- Leave the room
- Leave the premises
- Write a letter, NOT mailed, to the person or problem upsetting you
- Play a musical instrument
- Plan regular activities for your most difficult time of day
- Listen to a comedy tape or video
- Reality check old messages (Those you supply and those you hear others tell you)
- Clean the house
- Get out a fine toothcomb and vigorously brush the fur of a stuffed animal (but use gentle vigor)
- Pull weeds in a garden
- Plant flowers
Note: Some ideas were generated from lists like those offered at alternative ideas site...
Editor's Note:The following characteristics are from a medical site offering insights to diagnosis and things to look for that might be surrounding issues to the self-cutting. These characteristics are not set in stone -- if you are a self-cutter, you may have some or none of these. This is just a general guideline for psych professionals -- you can expect a therapist or counselor to look for some of these along with the self-cutting.
Psychological characteristics common in self-injurers
An overall picture seems to be of people who:
- strongly dislike/invalidate themselves
- are hypersensitive to rejection
- are chronically angry, usually with themselves
- tend to suppress their anger
- have high levels of aggressive feelings, which they disapprove of strongly and often suppress or direct inward
- are more impulsive and more lacking in impulse control
- tend to act in accordance with their mood of the moment
- tend not to plan for the future
- are depressed and suicidal/self-destructive
- suffer chronic anxiety
- tend toward irritability
- do not see themselves as skilled at coping
- do not have a flexible repertoire of coping skills
- do not think they have much control over how/whether they cope with life
- tend to be avoidant
- do not see themselves as empowered
Helpful Links
This is a transcript from an online conference with the author of the book "When the Body is the Target" -- loads of ideas and other links offered there: www.healthyplace.com
Books written by women on helping women who self-hurt:
www.users.zetnet.co.uk/BCSW/publications.htm
An excellent book, rated 5 *****, Women & Self Harm by Smith, Cox, & Saradjian
Another excellent book focusing on women cutters, Women Who Hurt Themselves by Dusty Miller
Huge website dealing with self-injury and so much more - Silent Struggles
A diagram on self-injury, breaks it down into parts and is very interesting to check out.
Cutting? Self-Injury: You ARE NOT alone - A website full of excellent resources.
Many resources for all ages and for both male and female - Self Injury And Related Issues (SIARI)
Website offering to help you find the right therapist - TherapistFinder.net
A great way to find the right help and in your area - 1-800-therapist.com
Listing of research papers about cutting but there are some synopsis available here...
Main section at Healthy Place for Self-Cutters - lots of information here about self cutting, articles, forums, some ideas for why we do it and how to handle all the emotion behind it...
About.com for depression and self cutting -- it has lots of pop up ads -- but once you get past that, there is some amazingly honest expressiong here from these women...
Recommended reading on cutting
- Women living with self-injury, Author Jane Wegscheider Hyman, Ph.D
- A Bright Red Scream, Author Marilee
- Woman Who Hurt Themselves, Author Dusty Miller
- Healing the Hurt Within, Author Jan Sutton
- Cutting: Understanding and Overcoming Self-Mutilation, Author Steven Levenkron
Support groups for cutting, abuse, rape and drug addiction
All of the groups listed here, require you to join and ask you to state why you wish to join. They ask this because they are trying very hard to keep their groups as safe and clean as possible for those who truly wish to find help.
groups.msn.com/Enchantedwings
groups.msn.com/SecondChancesforselfinjury *MY FAVORITE BY FAR! (Shelley)* groups.msn.com/HUGSHopeUnitedGivesStrength
groups.msn.com/RisingFromtheAshes
groups.msn.com/CircleofAngels
Hotline for Support and Advice
Self-Injury Hotline: 1-800-DONT-CUT
Notice: If you or someone you love has self-cut and is in need of medical or mental health help, you can call your local hospital and ask them to refer you to someone who is an expert in self-injury. All information provided here at KotaPress is for informational purposes only and should not replace the seeking of professional or medical support!
About the Authors
We are sad to report that in Spring 2006, we got email from Shelley's family letting us know she had died. Shelley L. Moss was one of the best researchers and tirelessly gave her time reaching out to those in need. We are sorry to hear of her death and are eternally grateful for her contributions here at KotaPress.
Kara has been using poetry and other expressive arts tools on the grief journey since the death of her son in 1999. Her poetic and non-fiction works have been included in publications such as New Works Review, PoetsWest, Real Henna, Shared Heart Foundation's "Meant To Be", LightHearts Publication's "Soul Trek", MISSing Angels Newsletter, American Tanka, Mother Tongue Ink's We'Moon, Honored Babies, Cup of Comfort series, and more. She is a Carnegie Mellon graduate who co-founded KotaPress with her husband Hawk Jones. Her books "Mrs. Duck and the Woman" as well as "Flash of Life" have both been released thru KotaPress. She is currently in an apprenticeship working toward Master level of Reiki. And she founded HennaHealing.com where she is exploring the ancient art of henna and its uses for ritual and healing.
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