Kara's Column > Shifting Perspective
By Kara L.C. Jones
KotaPress Editor
So this exercise might
not be one that would work
for everyone. It is geared
more toward bereaved parents
(and their family, friends,
caregivers), but it may
not even fit for every
bereaved parent. Basically
what I'm going to ask you
to do with this exercise,
is to make a small shift
in perspective. And then
to just see how the shift
affects/effects your everyday
functioning.
When a child dies, parents
contend with grief and
all that it brings with
it. Parents themselves,
as well as the people around
them, often have a hard
time understanding how
"grief" continues to affect
them over long periods
of time. I would like to
propose that while we fully
acknowledge the emotion
of grief, that we also
shift our perspectives
of the "process" from "grief
journey" to "parenting
journey."
Now bereaved parenting
is different than the parenting
we would do for living
children. I'm not talking
about pretending or creating
obsession to make the dead
child more "alive" or to
get stuck on replacing
the dead child with living
children. I'm simply saying
that just as there are
many different parenting
styles out there used with
living children -- there
is also a different kind
of parenting we can do
for our dead children.
And the long term effects
of "grief" actually play
out through this style
of "a different kind of
parenting".
So here are things to
consider:
-When someone says bereaved
parents need to "say
goodbye"
or "find closure" or "move
on", I am suggesting
that as long as they
have fully realized that
their child is dead and
they themselves are still
alive, then they have
said goodbye to the physical-ness
of the experience. But
they do not need to say
goodbye to their role
as a parent to return
to
"healthy" functioning.
I think "closure" in
this situation is more
akin to "empty nest
syndrome"
where parents have to
adjust their parenting
from a style that was
24/7 on-the-job, to a
parent whose child is
not physically present.
-When parents bring infants
home, they are really on
24/7 patrol tending to
the needs of this little
being. When parents bury
or cremate a child after
miscarriage, stillbirth,
or SIDS, they still have
the energy of that 24/7
patrol flowing through
their veins. And many of
them channel that energy
into doing good works in
memory of their child,
or creating memory books,
or doing Kindness Projects.
While this does expel and
express some of the feelings
of grief, I'm proposing
that it is also the energy
of parenting still coming
through.
-When children survive,
their needs change over
time. Parenting changes
accordingly. I am suggesting
that in a similar way the
parenting of bereaved parents
changes over time, too.
The things they do in memory
of the child may change,
they may manifest a new
kind of "work" for themselves,
they may discover that
the path in front of them
has, not only "grief" on
it, but also laughter returns,
a small bit of peace, a
connection to other bereaved
parents. Just as a parent
to a living child might
rediscover a joy in being
an artist once the child
goes off to preschool several
days a week for a few hours
at a time -- so, too, might
a bereaved parent rediscover
some part of themselves
three or five years later.
Okay, so what do I mean
by all this? I'm suggesting
that we look at our perspectives
and shift them just a little.
We can do this ourselves
if we are bereaved parents.
But also, if you are family,
friend, or caregiver to
a bereaved parent, you
can use the following exercise
to shift your perspective.
Or try doing this exercise
with the bereaved parent
and just learn from the
experience. Don't judge
or be critical. Just let
your perspective shift
a little.
Exercise:
1) Be consciously aware
of places where you write
or say "grief journey"
and switch to saying "parenting
journey".
2) Make a list of five
things you do to as a parent
to your dead child. This
might include things like,
making donations in the
child's name; doing awareness
work; creating memory boxes,
books, or blankets; making
time on birth/death days
and other anniversary days
to remember your child
or to be alone or to visit
the grave or to light a
candle. If you have living
children, make a list right
next to this one of five
things you do as a parent
to your living children.
3) Practice writing
a response to the prompt
you might get from someone
saying, "Are you still
dealing with this?" Think
about the emotion of
grief and its expression
through mourning activities.
Think about how you may
still feel grief sometimes,
but you have also been
able to feel other emotions
now, too. Think about
how you might be expressing
grief sometimes when
you "deal with this",
but other times you might
be expressing love. Consider
that "this" might be
the life of a parent
(a different kind of
parent), and not just
a life of grief & mourning.
4) Practice
writing a response to
someone who says something
to you like, "Can't we
have one Christmas without
talking about this?"
Think about "this" as
parenting, not grief.
Can we have one Christmas
where we leave out one
of the living children?
That would be abusive.
So why would it be okay
to leave out the memory
of those we've lost?
Do we not light candles
on this day for a man
who died many thousands
of years ago? Hmmm??
5) Think about response
for days like Mothers or
Fathers Days. How can you
ask for support and expression
on those days -- how can
you counter the people
who will say, "We don't
want to deal with this
today." Would it be acceptable
to ignore one of the mothers
or fathers there who have
living children? If not,
then why would we ignore
the mothers and fathers
whose children have died?
Though we may feel great
amounts of grief on these
days, can we not also have
our parenthood acknowledged
and celebrated? If we give
flowers to all the other
parents, why can we not
wear a flower, too?
6) When we parent living
children, many will advocate
that we spend some quality
time each and every day
with the child. Though
our dead children are
not physically here,
wouldn't it be equally
a good idea to spend
some quality time each
day with our "different
kind of parenthood"?
I'm not suggesting that
we would do the same
things in our quality
time with living children
as we would for dead
children. I'm suggesting
that just as we have
an outlet for our parenting
to living children each
and every day -- why
would we not consciously
create some outlet for
our parenting energy
that is still with us
for the dead child who
is not physically here.
Maybe we spend time helping
another person in need.
Maybe we volunteer somewhere.
Maybe we visit the grave
site. Maybe we light
a candle on the kitchen
table. Point being, that
instead of trying to
talk bereaved parents
out of doing "grief
things for too long" because
it is
"unhealthy" or "obsessive"
-- maybe we should be
helping bereaved parents
to give a full expression
of parenthood each and
every day.
You get the idea... This
isn't exactly about writing
poetry, but it is about
writing and exploring our
own ideas of grief and
parenthood. It's about
sharing those writings
with others in our lives
so that they might gain
insights to our experiences
and to the full expression
of who we are now. I'm
suggesting that we use
writing to bring about
small shifts in perspective
in a very conscious way.
Try it. If it doesn't work
for you, okay. But if it
does, we could change the
face of "parenthood" all
over the world, one parent
at a time. And by fully
integrating all facets
of parenthood for both
living and dead children,
we'll be creating more
fully integrated families
-- stronger families! How
can that be wrong?
Miracles!!
Author Biography
Kara L.C. Jones is a graduate of Carnegie Mellon University where she honed her poetic craft under the mentorship of Jim Daniels. Her poetic and non-fiction works have been included in publications such as New Works Review, PoetsWest, Real Henna, Shared Heart Foundation's "Meant To Be", LightHearts Publication's "Soul Trek", MISSing Angels Newsletter, American Tanka, Mother Tongue Ink's We'Moon, Honored Babies, Cup of Comfort series, and more. Because she refused to give her grief writing over to the control of outside editors and publishers after the death of her son, she and her husband Hawk founded KotaPress in 1999 as a creative outlet for their expressive artworks. She has been facilitating online and in-person workshops for over 10 year, including sessions offered at the International MISS Conferences, WA State Poets Association Burning Word festivals, and Course Bridge.
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