Angelversary > How to help bereaved parents?
By Kara L.C. Jones
KotaPress Editor
So sometimes I get inquiries
from well-meaning care givers,
family, or friends of bereaved
families who are living
after the death of a child.
They will pose questions
to me about what to do as
time passes. They want to
know how to help these families
after 4 or 10 or 20 years
have passed since the date
of the child's death. They
say things like, "Shouldn't
they be over this by now?"
or "Why do we need
to do anything special when
this should be behind them
by now?" Or sometimes
they are actually of a more
sensitive nature and really
do realize that they should
do something, but they honestly
cannot think of what to
do.
This article is my answer
to all of you. My son died
four years ago this month.
While I am a "highly
functioning" individual,
this month still sucked
and I still miss my kid.
And the people in my life
did *AMAZING* things to
offer support to me and
my husband. So I'm going
to let this article serve
as a model for all of you
-- and function as a memorial
to my son. The following
are precious gems that we
were given this month in
honor of our son's life,
death, memory. You, too,
could do something just
like this to offer comfort
to a family you know who
is enduring the rest of
their lives without one
of their children.
Snail mail gifts
Kota CD primped up - a
collection of songs that
other bereaved parents put
together to showcase music
that functions as "memorial"
or "comfort" in
the hard times. We got an
extra copy of it in the
mail from a family who made
fancy labels for the cd,
the jewel case, and just
wanted to make it specific
for Dakota's birthday.
Grief beads - handmade,
stunning piece of art, made
of the tiniest beads I've
ever seen. The delicate
nature of the beads is to
represent all our tiny children
who are dead, but remembered
everyday. It is a beautiful
piece of art that I can
keep in my pocket!
Signed, framed print of
an angel by Nancy Noel -
this amazing print holds
an image of what I dream
my son would have looked
like at four years old,
and yet holds the reality
that he is gone. It is a
beautiful painting that
brings me comfort and acknowledges
all we've lost. Check it
out at:
Nancy
Noel's Angel Studio
A handmade bracelet of
letter beads spelling out
"Dakota" - this
a wonderful little beaded
bracelet, sort of like what
we might have received if
Dakota had lived. It's an
amazing gift that lets me
carry his name with me!
A hand written note saying
our parenthood and our son
is remembered - we got several
notes from friends and family
telling us that they remembered
our son and that they were
holding us in their thoughts
and prayers this month.
Most appreciated!
Email gifts
Graphics from a friend
for our website - a talented
friend sent us these graphics:
Award for our site - we
were honored to get this
award for our website and
loss support work:
We also got many, many
e-postcards with wonderful
notes and beautiful pictures
from lots of other bereaved
parents, from family, from
friends, from other loss
support advocates around
the world. We are so grateful
for their kind words, thoughts,
and prayers. Some of the
letters were written to
me and my husband, some
were written directly to
Dakota. I'm going to share
the following emails as
a sample of what support
can look like if you REALLY
WANT TO SUPPORT BEREAVED
PARENTS! For the sake of
privacy, I have left off
the names of those who sent
these to us.
Example 1:
Dear friends,
In just a few minutes
it will be officially
Dakota's day. Do what
you need to do on this
day. And if you don't
have the energy to do
anything and need someone
to do it for you, please
email me. If you want
to talk or need a shoulder
just to rest upon please
call me 555-555-5555.
I sure wish things were
different and you were
doing all the things we
so wish to be doing. Send
you some peaceful thoughts
and loads of love.
Love to you both.
Example 2:
Kara and Hawk,
I woke up this morning to
the brightest sun we have
had in a long time. I thought
of Dakota. This is his very
special day and I know these
days can be both very painful
and at the same time , a
time of
reflection of the beautiful
child that we carried and
gave birth to. So I wish
you both peace today and
a feeling of warmth that
only Dakota can give to
you. I will be thinking
of you today all day and
lighting a candle for Dakota...
much love and peace to both
of you.
Example 3:
Happy 4th Bithday
to Dakota!
On this blessed day...You
are being held so softly,
yet securely this day
with your soul-mates in
one another. You are both
amazing parents...on this
special day, I ask you
to celebrate Dakota's
gift of that to you. Others
may not understand, but
we do. Lean into Dakota's
love...let it bathe you
in comfort and peace this
day and the days to come.
A candle will bless our
table today for all of
you.
Example 4:
(((Hawk and Kara))))
I opened my eyes this morning
and thought" Today
is dakota's day" I
started to cry. My heart
felt heavy for the two of
you. Missing your little
boy. I wish I could move
this mountain of grief for
you.
Example 5:
Dakota-
Hey little man, Happy
4th Birthday. Has it really
been that long? Wow. I
just got to know your
Mom last May, she is an
amazing woman. You have
given her great strength
and power and she continues
to use it in such helpful,
giving ways. She has allowed
herself to "feel"
all of her feelings and
she has chosen to allow
others to enter her feelings
and her world.
I met your Mom for
the first time at a poetry
seminar she was giving
at the MISS conference.
She gave me the power
to release and channel
my emotions into writing,
into words that provided
great solace as I continue
to heal. These words did
something even more powerful,
they gave me a voice.
I am able to share with
others my deepest love
and my deepest pain. You
Mom, through you, gave
me that. She continues
to be a force of nature,
I know and feel you every
step of the way. She now
lives for 2 and she has
not let you down. She
continues to fight for
the lives of yet unborn
babies, she continues
to open doors for those
parents left in the wake
of the tragedy of losing
their own flesh and blood.
She continues to be an
inspiration for so many
of us here and I know
she is and inspiration
to you. Through her voice,
through her love, through
her commitment we know
and love you too.
Little man, through
you, through your life
and now through your death
we are always together.
A hummingbird just buzzed
past me this morning and
I know you are just checking
in. We are never too far
away.Have a great 4th
Birthday, you have only
just begun... We have
lit our candle in your
memory with the faith
that love surrounds us
today and everyday.
With love and peace
always,
Your forever friends,
from a bereaved mom &
her angel
Example 6:
My thoughts are with
you today on Dakota's 4th
birthday! Many hugs to you
both!!!
Example 7:
((((Kara and Hawk))))
sending you both warm
thoughts and tender hugs
on this difficult, and
oh so poignant day. I
know Dakota is proud of
his mom and dad....look
what wonderful work they
do! And I know how you
ache to hold him in your
arms. I hope you are able
to do something special
in his memory today, and
that you are able to share
this day as you have shared
this journey....side by
side, hand in hand, together.
Many hugs.
Example 8:
You and Dakota have
been on my mind all day.
Even when I was dealing
with my own stuff, my mind
always wandered back to
you.
Example 9:
Happy 4th Birthday,
Dakota. You are loved.
Poetry gifts
Lastly, both my mother
and my step-daughter wrote
poetry for Kota for his
fourth birthday. My mom's
poetry is in this issue
under the article titled
"Two for Kota from
Nanna-Memoo" and I
hope you'll click through
and read her loving poems
written for her grandson
there. And then, the following
is the poem my step-daughter,
Bethany Jones, wrote for
her little brother:
Dakota
by Bethany Jones
A shuffle, a giggle,
running feet. You got
me. I laugh. I admit defeat.
"Tag, you're
it!" You scream
and run. Once again the
games had begun. I'm running
to catch you, and all
the faster you go. The
game, our game, we played
but lasted only a few
months. But I still remember
all those crazy goose
hunts. You were the best
at hiding away, in the
bushes, in your mom's
tummy, you liked to stay,
forgetting that your giggle
always gives you away.
But when we started playing
I didn't think it would
END so fast. Shhhhh. Is
that the phone? I pick
it up. And I hear a voice.
It's quiet. It's sad.
Lots of noise in the background.
It's dad, I say with cheer!
But when he spoke I was
filled with fear. The
message he had was filled
with no joy. I sat back
and listened. He spoke
in a tone I had never
heard. He shuddered with
every word. He choked
out the words, "Dakota
died" and in
disbelief all I could
say, "Don't joke
like that, it's not funny!"
I could tell he was holding
back tears as he said,
"I'm not joking,
he's gone."
All I could do was go
to my room and cry as
Dakota's beautiful giggle
faded. All I could do
is ask why? Why did my
baby brother have to die?
Why was he chosen to go
so soon? He never even
got to gaze up at the
moon. He never got to
see my smiling face. He
never even made it past
first base. We all wanted
him here, more than words
can say. But in your memory,
Dakota, we'll always play.
Can you see that it is
not hard to help bereaved
families as time passes?
It is simple. It is an honest
consideration for the fact
that these people will live
the rest of their lives
without their children.
It is an honest acknowledgement
of their stunted parenthood.
It has nothing to do with
your inability to deal with
your own mortality or the
mortality of your own children.
It has everything to do
with getting beyond yourself
to offer the bereaved parent
some honest support. If
you make the effort to get
past yourself -- it is likely
that the bereaved parent
will see that and appreciate
it and make every effort
to get past their grief
to acknowledge your life,
too. It is called respect.
It's called CO-EXISTANCE!
It shows that their grief
does not cancel out your
children and life BUT your
children and life do NOT
cancel out their children
and lives either.
You can try this or you
can lose those bereaved
parents all together --
because you know what? Bereaved
parents have lost so much
already that they will not
have much difficulty in
just cutting off from family,
friends, and care givers
who will not accept them
as they are, where they
are, and how they continue
to miss their children over
time. Your children come
first, right? Why shouldn't
their love for their children
come first, too? Honoring
the love and memory of their
children will always mean
more than putting up with
well-meaning family, friends,
and care givers who are
determined to make them
"get over it"
or "move on" or
"heal" in ways
that will leave their children
forgotten.
I offer this as one woman's
perspective.
I offer this as a way for
you to do something effective
to keep bereaved parents
invovled in life, to help
them find ways of offering
support back to the world
at large, while honoring
their parenthood even after
the deaths of their children.
THIS KIND OF RESPECT IS
THE LEAST WE COULD TRY TO
OFFER EACH OTHER IN THIS
TIME OF WAR WHEN THE US
GOVT IS SENSELESSLY KILLING
EVEN MORE OF OUR CHILDREN,
THE BRITISH CHILDREN, AND
THE IRAQI CHILDREN. Maybe
with a little respect, we
can stop killing each other,
stop judging each other,
stop causing hurt and pain.
Just two cents worth from
a mother who is living the
rest of her life without
her child.
About the Author
Kara has been using poetry and other expressive arts tools on the grief journey since the death of her son in 1999. Her poetic and non-fiction works have been included in publications such as New Works Review, PoetsWest, Real Henna, Shared Heart Foundation's "Meant To Be", LightHearts Publication's "Soul Trek", MISSing Angels Newsletter, American Tanka, Mother Tongue Ink's We'Moon, Honored Babies, Cup of Comfort series, and more. She is a Carnegie Mellon graduate who co-founded KotaPress with her husband Hawk Jones. Her books "Mrs. Duck and the Woman" as well as "Flash of Life" have both been released thru KotaPress. She is currently in an apprenticeship working toward Master level of Reiki. And she founded HennaHealing.com where she is exploring the ancient art of henna and its uses for ritual and healing.
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