Dictionary of Loss: D - E - F
Dark Room n. 1. when it is sunny and nice out but you prefer to stay in with the shade drawn and the phone off the hook. 2. the feeling inside your body when you ache to hold your child again.
Denialbility, n. 1. Your brain knows your child is gone and that you'll never see him/her again, but your heart makes you look up each time the door opens fully expecting to see him/her walk in. 2. This can also apply to hearing phantom crying or having the phantom achy arms. (Editor note: Definition #2 was added by editor after Connie made this contribution to the Dictionary.)
Dream sleep, n. 1. (Contributed by Adam Small after Cassy's death.) The sleep that has the dreams in which Cassy comes to play with you [or in which any dead child comes to visit with you.
Emotional Constipation n. 1. Times when you know you need to cry and the tears won't come. Your body is aching for the tears, and somehow they are all locked up inside and you can't get them out. You've cried so many tears you're afraid you'll never be able get them out again. The best antidotes I have found for this condition are movies guaranteed to make you cry: Steel Magnolias, My Dog Skip, Ghost, Hearts and Souls--or songs like "Wind beneath my Wings", Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven", and anything that has a personal connection with our lost children.
Endless Ache, n. 1. What it's like to hear about new babies, other women's pregnancies and baby showers all the while wondering why your baby died. 2. The feeling you get when friends and family who know your baby died will talk to you about new babies, other women's pregnancies, and baby showers and think nothing of it. -endless aching, v. -endlessly ached, adj.
Existence denial, n. 1. the fact that people don't bring up your child because they think it will remind you of the pain, (WHATEVER! like I can forget this pain?!?) so they just plain ignore that your child ever existed.
Fall Into A Hole v. 1. To become so absorbed in grief reading/blogging/posting on message boards as to forget the the existance of time, ignore domestic or work duties and, possibly, personal hygiene. As in "I fell into a hole on the internet reading bereaved parent blogs and forgot to take a shower" or "I fell into a hole reading 'Dear Cheyenne' and didn't crawl out for 2 hours."
Fear of Love, n. 1. Knowing that love has caused you such pain through the death of your loved one, such that you become afraid to love, afraid that Death will come and steal away everyone you love until you are left absolutely alone. This may lead to an inability to trust your loved ones are safe, to constantly worry about them and to avoid starting up new relationships or continuing old relationships for fear of losing the people you love.
Fear of the Public, n. 1. This fear will hit the bereaved parent from time to time until they are afraid to go out, afraid to see people, afraid of leaving the confines of their home in hopes of avoiding more pain or having to answer questions like "When was your baby born?" or "How many children do you have?" Involves knowing that you really want to talk about your child who died with these people, but realizing that the people who ask these questions don't want to hear the answers and will give you platitudes instead of comfort.
Fetus Envy n. 1. extreme longing for the easy, worry-free, healthy pregnancies, labor/deliveries and newborns, as you seen in the people around you who have not experienced the death of a child.
FINE, adj. 1. the answer those who are grieving blurt out to the unknowing or uninvolved when asked, "How are you doing?" 2. an acronym for: Freaked out - Irrational - Neurotic - Emotional