Dictionary of Loss
Dictionary of Loss:  M - N - O


Meanwellers, n. 1. Those who say things they think will comfort you, but in reality, add to the pain you didn't think could possibly get worse. The offering of platitudes such as, "He's in a better place," or "You can always try again," and MY personal favorite, "Don't forget, you have other kids who need you!" Like I could forget. (Editor note: A good antidote to "You have other kids" is to reply "Well, then let me cut off your thumb and it will be okay because you have 4 other healthy fingers, right?" This suggestions comes from the Cuts Like A Knife article at MISS Foundation.)

Mind-warped, v. 1. You take a breath in and before you can let it out, a thousand unrelated, yet connected thoughts go through your mind. None of which you can define nor remember. The speed triples when you try to go to sleep. -mind-warp, n.

Minute Grief, n. 1. grief expected by others to last based on the size of the child. i.e., "OK, six pounds, well that's good for six to eight months." Or "A toddler, well now let me consult my chart here...how about we give you 18 to 24 months?" And so on.

Mourning Fog, n. 1. When you are so into mourning and greif that you are in a fog and cannot get out. You clean house & cook like a robot in this fog that just will not lift. It lingers and lingers and will not go away. After some time it might leave for awhile, but oh how it creeps back up on you. It comes without warning, so you cannot see where you are going nor what you are doing. It engulfs you and smothers you.

Mum's rule, n. 1. "That's an order" -- for living siblings this means, "No arguments you two, you are to outlive me!" OR when praying during the next pregnancy after three loss, "Three's enough!" (Author note: Obviously this rule can be adapted to whatever your personal experience might be.)


Newmal, adj. 1. Adjusting to a new life without your child.  2.  Learning to adapt to a new kind of normal.

Night strain-ism, n. 1. the desperate looking and listening for your beloved child to come to you and comfort you with their presence and voice.

Night time terrors, n. 1. When no amount of sleeping pills, tranquilizers, prayers or begging can bring more than a couple hours of sleep. 2. Inability to get your mind to shut down long enough to sleep decently. -night time terrorize -ized, -izing, v.

Nightmare n. : The moment upon waking from sleep when the realization that your baby has died becomes real and even though you close your eyes again, the nightmare never leaves.

Nikki Day (substitute your Angel's name for Nikki's to use this one personally) n. 1. a day when your heart hurts so badly that you can't make sense out of anything and nothing can make the day right and you just want your baby back; can be used by mommies, daddies, or siblings.


Obligatory n 1. Something that used to come naturally, but is now forced to make others comfortable. She walked out of the house, and gave her neighbors an obligatory smile and wave, even though her heart was broken.

Okayness, n. 1. Numb state of being for a bereft (see "B" words for definition of "a bereft") in which they will agree to medical procedures or treatment of the body of the dead or the type of memorial for the dead without really thinking about it. 2. Inability to express true desires for how proceedures or rituals happen, such that decisions made in Okayness are often regretted in hindsight. 3. Concept that, "This must be what I'm supposed to do," because no one around them is offering or advocating ideas or options. Examples: a) Not getting genetic testing done; b) Not asking for a sonogram copy; c) Accepting a hospital's way of disposing of fetal remains; d) Having a quick funeral rather than sharing a poem or reading.

Opulent Cluelessness n. or Opulently Clueless adj. 1. This phrase describes the person who is more than clueless. Not only do they know your child died due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or child birth complication, but they actually have the audacity to look you in the face and say things like, "Well I know that won't happen to me because I want to have a home birth with Enya playing and incense burning and I don't want any medical intervention and won't need it." Not only are they starting off as a shitty parent who is thinking more of themselves than the risks to their child, but they are also telling you that you were a shitty parent because you let medical intervention take over when your child was dying. This is not only clueless. It is OPULENTLY clueless.

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