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Dictionary of Loss:  S - T - U

~S~

Saturation, n. 1. a state of being after the loss of a child, when your heart feels empty and your brain feels too full to function OR your heart is too full and your brain is empty. 2. Constant brain malfunction secondary to heart breakage. -saturated, adj.

Shallow Consoling n. 1. consolation offered to bereaved parents when others are trying to (lamely) justify the insanity of a child's death. Example: "You must accept this as God's will in your life and move on." [excerpted from Dear Cheyenne, written by Joanne Caccitore, MISS Foundation]

Shock moment n. 1. the time usually a second when you discover a truth about something. Often your jaw will drop and your eyes will get wide. You may even feel numbness take over your body. 2. the second that you realize that your baby is dead. This realization may only last for a few minutes and then escape back into the recesses of your brain. 3. the moment that you realize that your companion has been feeling many of the same feelings that you have, exactly as you have felt them, but never let you know because they wanted to 'be strong' for you. ("He told me that he had been blaming himself for our son's death and I was immediately enveloped in a shock moment.")

Single-thought, focus/stare, v or n. 1. The ability to sit and stare blankly for hours, while thinking only of how much you miss/love/want/hurt for your precious child.

Slap-you-in-the-face tears, n. 1. The sudden crying jag that hits without warning when you don't even realize your heart is thinking about your child. Unfortunately, these happen quite often in public.

Space Between The Moments n. 1. those quiet seconds when you stare off wondering what life would have been like. 2. time slows down and between each second it seems there is an eternity of time. 3. moments that catch you off guard when you were otherwise going along with everyday stuff. -momentified adj. -momented v.

Subsequent Parenting Perfectionist Syndrome n. 1. The mistaken belief that once you bring home a living child, you must be perfectly happy all the time. Feelings of exhaustion, that you need a break from caring for your living, healthy baby, some sleep, or lingering bereavement produce feelings of extreme guilt.

Suck up government, n. 1. laws that are created to benefit causes based on 'who you know' or how much money the organization has, rather than the meritorious impetus of the cause. -sucker upper, adj. syn. suck up funding, n. related to funding and medical research.

~T~

T&T exercise, n. 1. The exercise you get while tossing and turning, fighting the thoughts of your dead child that come strongest when you're trying to go to sleep.

Taurine excrement, n. 1. cliches used in a futile attempt to comfort grieving parents. e.g. "God needed an angel to tend his garden."

Traumaflash,v. 1. To replay a specific event of the death of a person in your mind, such as the moment of delivery or surgery for death of a miscarried child. Usually accompanied by a strong emotion and physical symptoms of anxiety or grief. -traumaflashing, v. -traumaflashed, adj. or v.

Traumaflash Trigger, n. 1. Sight, smell, sound, touch, or taste that reminds you of the place of a traumatic event in the "death story" of a person whether grown, child, infant, still born, or miscarried. Examples: a) Smell of plastic tape can remind a person of the tape on the IV used for fluids for delivery of a child who died; b) Seeing the doctor's office in the distance reminds someone of a meeting held in that building, upon seeing the office memories flood back to mind and emotions to heart.

Truly Insensitives, n. 1. People who have apparently lost a child to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy or stillbirth and tell you that it's no big deal and to get over it. Bereaved parents often try to talk to these people about their children and their grief thinking that these people will understand and relate to them. But before they realize it, the painful comments are out and the bereaved parents wonder why they tried to share their child's life with someone they thought would care.

Truman Syndrome, n. 1. The desire to walk out of your world of pain and grief for a world of hope and promise, a world where your child is alive with you, but knowing that there is no way you can, you are trapped, your child's death is final and you can't walk out of this reality. 2. The hoping that you can wake up from this horrible nightmare. (Author note: This Syndrome can lead to Unsuicidal feelings-- see definition below in "U" if you don't know what this means.)

Trustlessness, n. 1. The inability to trust anyone who says they want to be there for you in your grief because you've already been hurt too many times, (more than you can count) and you just can't do that to yourself again. 2. Doubting anyone who claims to care about you and your grief and their ability to be Clueful. -trustless, adj.

~U~

Uhms, n. 1. When stuff that used to be important and easily remembered before, now has to be engraved into the back of your hand if you want any hopes of remembering it, because it just isn't that important anymore. -uhmed, v.

Universal gesture for disgust n. (a very active noun) 1. a HUGE stomping on someone's toes while screaming "You are SO NOT helping me right now!"

Unprofessional Distance, n. 1. When a medical person speaks of death, dying, or treatment of miscarriage, or medical tests after such deaths with coldness or even anger. Example: Calling the hospital to ask what happened to fetal remains, I was told by a labor and delivery nurse, "They go out with the medical waste." (See also: Professional Distance)

Unsuicidal adj. 1. the feeling of wanting to die so you can be with your child but not actually wanting to take action to commit suicide. 2. the feeling you have when the doctor says "are you having suicidal thoughts?" and you know if you tell him you just want to be with your child, he'll commit you for being suicidal even though that really isn't the point. 3. the way you feel when someone tells you your child is "in a better place now" and you're thinking "well it sucks here so I wish I was with my child." 4. the feeling of being undead. -unsuicide n. [Please note there is a big difference between unsuicidal and suicidal! If you feel suicidal, please reach out for help!! Crisis Clinic 24/7 hotline at 206-461-3222 or toll free 1-866-427-4747.]